as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
