i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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