you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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