this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
