I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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