We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
