watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
