Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
