Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
