Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
