I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
