why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
