We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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