Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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