I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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