The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
