I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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