I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
