the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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