dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
