You smell like a Billy Joel song
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
this hospital has no fireball
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
