I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
