just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
