You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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