Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
