Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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