Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
