went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
