it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
