I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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