Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
