I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
