I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
