What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
