I met the friendliest cop last night
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
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just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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