I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
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Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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