some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
