the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
