just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
