So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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