Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
