I never want to see another naked old woman again.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
