it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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