i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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