He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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