There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
