You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
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She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
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I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
tell me about the eggs
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