I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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