Me too!
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
