walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
