Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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