I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
