You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
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I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
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And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
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