swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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