Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
