I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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