I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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