My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
