like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
