Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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