New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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