we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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